Sifted Like Wheat...
Everyday I'm reminded of my own inabilities to do anything of worth and value in and of myself. From getting along with my family to even attempting to keep my mind pure, from trying to love those who love me to trying to try to love my self-made enemies, and from even trying to support myself and pay my bills, I'm incapable. Abba keeps reminding me of this, and how much He wants me to give it ALL to Him, not just bits and pieces of my life. The truth is, He's tired of me segregating the spiritual aspects of my life from everything else, and so am I. All of life is spiritual, every relationship, every area of hate and discord, every job interview, every shopping experience, every conversation with my family, every political opinion, every self-righteous thought - it's all connected. And He wants all of me.
In terms of salvation or even making it through the day, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." Mark 10:27
I've whored with all the religious jargon lately, but have avoided the soul's Lover like a plague of doves. He's got healing in His wings. I am poison. This polluted, adulterated heart has merely cried out with not even the clarity to know what to ask for, but He already knows.
I am a shallow follower, with not even the discipline to follow Him in the tough times. I am so less than Peter.
Jesus told him to wait and pray. But Peter slept while Christ suffered.
A few months ago, Jesus repeated the call to wait and pray. Instead, I have slumbered for months.
Jesus told him that Satan wanted to sift him as wheat. "But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."
About two weeks ago, I got the clear message that I was about to be sifted as wheat as well. That's what's been happening, and it's not over yet.
Peter denied Christ.
Likewise, I have denied Christ. Through my actions and attitude last week, I really blew it. I turned my back on the One I claim to follow and chose myself. Mom's dad was at our house this past week (it's a really long story, I assure you), and I wanted him out. I told Mom that she invited the enemy in, but I am the one who has harbored the real Enemy. I have not shown Christ, especially to her dad. Truthfully, I could not do it in and of myself, but I should've given it up to the One who could've and Who would've filled me with His love. Instead, I chose hate. I denied Christ.
That's why I'm really not ready for Africa. I want to be there so bad as I know I'm called. If I cannot even love those in my own household, that He places in my path, how dare I extend His grace to strangers? Replace this bitter heart, Lord!
I need over $500 to get there in less than a month. I went to my old church last night to try to reinvolve myself with the youth group (which is another story altogether). The VBS coordinator came up to me after youth tonight and said they were promising over $500 to the Africa fund. Whoa...
What's crazy is that this past week, someone had given me $50 and God most simply said to give it back to Him, that He'd multiply it. That He did!
In terms of returning to my home church, Ramah, I just have felt called back. A lot of it has to do with what's said in Jeremiah:
"A voice is heard in Ramah,
mourning and great weeping,
Rachel weepeing for her children
and refusing to be comforted,
because her children are no more.
This is what the LORD says:
Restrain your voice from weeping
and your eyes from tears,
for your work will be rewarded,
declares the LORD.
They will return from the land of the enemy.
So there is hope for your future,"
declares the LORD."
Jeremiah 31: 15-17
In lines of learning new things, I also involved myself in a relationship that wasn't God-honoring these past few weeks (it's involved a lot longer time, actually). God just wasn't the center of it, He was kinda left out, while verbal abuse spilled forth like Niagra Falls. I know that now, as things are always so much more clear in the rearview mirror. The hardest part of breaking off relationships of any kind is the subsequent loneliness and emptiness. It's silly, too, cause I knew that God was not leading me to this person, but I settled for a substitute person, and by doing so, became one myself. "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9
Death and destruction has recently surrounded me in every aspect of my life, and let me tell you, it's scary as Hell. I'm tired of going to funerals and hospitals, hearing about the death of relationships, friendships, and families. And this morning, a suicide! I love these people, and want life for them. This is obvious, but I just don't know what's coming next with all that's already gone by.
Thanks for dealing with my discombobulated mess. I love you in the love and grace of our Lord and Savior and am praying for you. I covet your prayers as well.
In terms of salvation or even making it through the day, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." Mark 10:27
I've whored with all the religious jargon lately, but have avoided the soul's Lover like a plague of doves. He's got healing in His wings. I am poison. This polluted, adulterated heart has merely cried out with not even the clarity to know what to ask for, but He already knows.
I am a shallow follower, with not even the discipline to follow Him in the tough times. I am so less than Peter.
Jesus told him to wait and pray. But Peter slept while Christ suffered.
A few months ago, Jesus repeated the call to wait and pray. Instead, I have slumbered for months.
Jesus told him that Satan wanted to sift him as wheat. "But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."
About two weeks ago, I got the clear message that I was about to be sifted as wheat as well. That's what's been happening, and it's not over yet.
Peter denied Christ.
Likewise, I have denied Christ. Through my actions and attitude last week, I really blew it. I turned my back on the One I claim to follow and chose myself. Mom's dad was at our house this past week (it's a really long story, I assure you), and I wanted him out. I told Mom that she invited the enemy in, but I am the one who has harbored the real Enemy. I have not shown Christ, especially to her dad. Truthfully, I could not do it in and of myself, but I should've given it up to the One who could've and Who would've filled me with His love. Instead, I chose hate. I denied Christ.
That's why I'm really not ready for Africa. I want to be there so bad as I know I'm called. If I cannot even love those in my own household, that He places in my path, how dare I extend His grace to strangers? Replace this bitter heart, Lord!
I need over $500 to get there in less than a month. I went to my old church last night to try to reinvolve myself with the youth group (which is another story altogether). The VBS coordinator came up to me after youth tonight and said they were promising over $500 to the Africa fund. Whoa...
What's crazy is that this past week, someone had given me $50 and God most simply said to give it back to Him, that He'd multiply it. That He did!
In terms of returning to my home church, Ramah, I just have felt called back. A lot of it has to do with what's said in Jeremiah:
"A voice is heard in Ramah,
mourning and great weeping,
Rachel weepeing for her children
and refusing to be comforted,
because her children are no more.
This is what the LORD says:
Restrain your voice from weeping
and your eyes from tears,
for your work will be rewarded,
declares the LORD.
They will return from the land of the enemy.
So there is hope for your future,"
declares the LORD."
Jeremiah 31: 15-17
In lines of learning new things, I also involved myself in a relationship that wasn't God-honoring these past few weeks (it's involved a lot longer time, actually). God just wasn't the center of it, He was kinda left out, while verbal abuse spilled forth like Niagra Falls. I know that now, as things are always so much more clear in the rearview mirror. The hardest part of breaking off relationships of any kind is the subsequent loneliness and emptiness. It's silly, too, cause I knew that God was not leading me to this person, but I settled for a substitute person, and by doing so, became one myself. "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23. "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9
Death and destruction has recently surrounded me in every aspect of my life, and let me tell you, it's scary as Hell. I'm tired of going to funerals and hospitals, hearing about the death of relationships, friendships, and families. And this morning, a suicide! I love these people, and want life for them. This is obvious, but I just don't know what's coming next with all that's already gone by.
Thanks for dealing with my discombobulated mess. I love you in the love and grace of our Lord and Savior and am praying for you. I covet your prayers as well.
Comments
*I know I have already commented on this on facebook, but I had to do it here too* :)