Steadily wishing the days away,
...wishing they'd stay...oh living contradiction, usurped discontentment, become undone, become undone...
Sorry, just had to get that out. Proceed.
Apology/disclaimer: much of this is a rant. If the opening sentence of any of the following paragraphs appears distasteful or too colorful, simply skip down to the next paragraph. Don’t say I didn’t warn you ;)
Because it is lengthy, I do have Roman numerals for your ease of reading and just because Roman numerals are fun. And weird. Silly Romans…
I. This Semester
II. Connections
III. Malevolent “Christianity”
IV. “…the truth is never sexy…”
V. Procreation…?
VI. LOVE
VII. Surprise!
I. I've been terribly quiet, as of late, when it comes to writing. Part of it is simply the fact that we are at the end of the semester and papers and finals are taking the first priority. I feel like I've learned so much in the past few months, so many things that transcend mere knowledge, but truly permeate my thinking and change me without my knowledge of it. From Flannery O’Connor to Vico, from Caedmon’s Hymn and to Milton’s Aeriopagetica, from coffee houses to a super-collider, and from Christina Rossetti and John Donne to human trafficking, it’s all changed my ways of thinking about life, the Church, God, our place in the world, relationships, a life plan, social justice, etc. I guess it just goes to show: everything is connected.
II. There's a deep connection in the universe, within the spiritual and earthly realms, even between literature of the 18th century and physics. I'll be harping on this fact for the rest of my days, but this simply mirrors humanity...we're meant to connect with other human beings, we're meant for community and relationships and I can’t even begin to express my gratitude to those who surround me like an AA support group. I mean that. I recall last year, upon returning to BPC, surrounding myself with a lot of people. It was great to get to know some of their amazing thoughts about ministry and simply loving people. But either they’ve stopped caring or else I have, because now their “new ideas” seem stale and half-hearted, routine and formulized.
III. Perhaps I’ve outgrown this place or its outgrown me, but I’m so done here. I sat in chapel last week and the campus minister called us to pray for the campus. All who didn’t want to could leave and those who wanted to could go down to the altar to pray. Last year, I would’ve been totally behind that request. This year is different. It took everything within me to keep from simply walking out. Instead, I sat with a friend of mine who wanted to go down to the altar, but not by herself. I’m done with appearing and acting spiritual/holy when I’m not…of acting like I care when I don’t. I’m so sick of this crazy-messed up thing we deem Christianity, its such a misnomer. Honestly, I’m damn nauseous of the gnostic, guilt-driven, exclusiveness that lies inherent in the “Christianity” here on campus. For Christ’s sake (literally), the freshmen I’ve talked to don’t even know we have a campus minister!
IV. I’m not happy with who I’ve become, but I definitely don’t want to be like the majority of those on campus who openly claim to follow Christ. That’s a horrible thing to say, but the truth is hard to live with; she’s better than a lie. Perhaps I'm just being too judgmental. Add it to my ever-growing list of sins.
Give me a strong drink of the wine of Your blood, Lord. I need to be drunk with You.
V. In other news, I’ve come to the realization that I need to create more, that my future job must have some sort of art involved daily. I’m kinda dead inside. When I see people, especially photographers, painters, and great writers, out there pursuing their art, it cuts through the gangrene to the living flesh and hurts (which is a great thing since apathy and contentment with a flesh-eating disease means death). I wanna pursue my art. I want to be creative and original (or if originality’s not possible, at least unconventional and unique), a fresh wave of life in a dying world. I love learning, but I’m really doubting if I’m meant for teaching, at least in the conventional, conservative way. I wanna be that free spirit I sometimes pretend and try so hard to be.
VI. Which leads me to introduce my new idea. At 3am last Friday, I couldn’t for the life of me go to sleep because I had (once again) drunk coffee WAY too late. Then, the idea hit me. (Yeah, it was a smidge painful…)
(A little bit of background, first…) Jen, my amazing heterosexual life partner (please, yo, there’s nothing gay about it), have had Coffee Night in my dorm-room every Thursday night (well, off-and-on) for two years now. Through Coffee Night, God, through a weak vessel, has begun a grassroots ministry out of my dorm of simply connecting with out-of-norm students. These non-mainstream students find this once-a-week hang-out time a safe place to voice concerns and relax. The truth is, I was scared to start this, but God kept ruining me with the words of His late servant, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, urging me at “spontaneous obedience.” Once I finally relented to the perfection and creativity of His will, He has blessed this non-religious ministry a hundredfold. It’s been amazing.
(Part 2 of the background…) I’ve been freaking out about what to do after college, because, well, it’s coming up quickly and I still have no idea. Had a “chat” with my parents over Thanksgiving concerning this. I have no money and all my expenses are becoming too much for them. I’m too overwhelmed with school to even think about getting a second job. My car is dying and the payoff is too much to sell. I have no career plan. I have no life plan (as one of my ex’s was so very kind to point out, but that’s another story…). I feel like I’m just trying to get by. I want to continue my education, but the only logical thing is to get my Masters of Arts and Teaching so I can teach…which is not really what I wanna do.
The idea? (Drum roll please…) A Traveling/Roaming/Catering Coffee company! (In my mind) it’s called the Jumpin’ Bean. Instead of you going to a coffee shop, the coffee shop comes to you, providing gourmet hot and cold coffees and hot chocolates. It’s a lot to pray about and think over, but it’s a direction, one that I’m actually excited about for once.
Well, my coffee is done, which means I must now go contend with the likes of Schlegel and Kierkegaard. Just coffee-table reading, really. Oy vey!
VII. Oh, and like my new tat?
Just kidding, Mom!
Actually, the one I want will be like this except around the bottom portion, it'll say "Soli Deo Gloria"
Sorry, just had to get that out. Proceed.
Apology/disclaimer: much of this is a rant. If the opening sentence of any of the following paragraphs appears distasteful or too colorful, simply skip down to the next paragraph. Don’t say I didn’t warn you ;)
Because it is lengthy, I do have Roman numerals for your ease of reading and just because Roman numerals are fun. And weird. Silly Romans…
I. This Semester
II. Connections
III. Malevolent “Christianity”
IV. “…the truth is never sexy…”
V. Procreation…?
VI. LOVE
VII. Surprise!
I. I've been terribly quiet, as of late, when it comes to writing. Part of it is simply the fact that we are at the end of the semester and papers and finals are taking the first priority. I feel like I've learned so much in the past few months, so many things that transcend mere knowledge, but truly permeate my thinking and change me without my knowledge of it. From Flannery O’Connor to Vico, from Caedmon’s Hymn and to Milton’s Aeriopagetica, from coffee houses to a super-collider, and from Christina Rossetti and John Donne to human trafficking, it’s all changed my ways of thinking about life, the Church, God, our place in the world, relationships, a life plan, social justice, etc. I guess it just goes to show: everything is connected.
II. There's a deep connection in the universe, within the spiritual and earthly realms, even between literature of the 18th century and physics. I'll be harping on this fact for the rest of my days, but this simply mirrors humanity...we're meant to connect with other human beings, we're meant for community and relationships and I can’t even begin to express my gratitude to those who surround me like an AA support group. I mean that. I recall last year, upon returning to BPC, surrounding myself with a lot of people. It was great to get to know some of their amazing thoughts about ministry and simply loving people. But either they’ve stopped caring or else I have, because now their “new ideas” seem stale and half-hearted, routine and formulized.
III. Perhaps I’ve outgrown this place or its outgrown me, but I’m so done here. I sat in chapel last week and the campus minister called us to pray for the campus. All who didn’t want to could leave and those who wanted to could go down to the altar to pray. Last year, I would’ve been totally behind that request. This year is different. It took everything within me to keep from simply walking out. Instead, I sat with a friend of mine who wanted to go down to the altar, but not by herself. I’m done with appearing and acting spiritual/holy when I’m not…of acting like I care when I don’t. I’m so sick of this crazy-messed up thing we deem Christianity, its such a misnomer. Honestly, I’m damn nauseous of the gnostic, guilt-driven, exclusiveness that lies inherent in the “Christianity” here on campus. For Christ’s sake (literally), the freshmen I’ve talked to don’t even know we have a campus minister!
IV. I’m not happy with who I’ve become, but I definitely don’t want to be like the majority of those on campus who openly claim to follow Christ. That’s a horrible thing to say, but the truth is hard to live with; she’s better than a lie. Perhaps I'm just being too judgmental. Add it to my ever-growing list of sins.
Give me a strong drink of the wine of Your blood, Lord. I need to be drunk with You.
V. In other news, I’ve come to the realization that I need to create more, that my future job must have some sort of art involved daily. I’m kinda dead inside. When I see people, especially photographers, painters, and great writers, out there pursuing their art, it cuts through the gangrene to the living flesh and hurts (which is a great thing since apathy and contentment with a flesh-eating disease means death). I wanna pursue my art. I want to be creative and original (or if originality’s not possible, at least unconventional and unique), a fresh wave of life in a dying world. I love learning, but I’m really doubting if I’m meant for teaching, at least in the conventional, conservative way. I wanna be that free spirit I sometimes pretend and try so hard to be.
VI. Which leads me to introduce my new idea. At 3am last Friday, I couldn’t for the life of me go to sleep because I had (once again) drunk coffee WAY too late. Then, the idea hit me. (Yeah, it was a smidge painful…)
(A little bit of background, first…) Jen, my amazing heterosexual life partner (please, yo, there’s nothing gay about it), have had Coffee Night in my dorm-room every Thursday night (well, off-and-on) for two years now. Through Coffee Night, God, through a weak vessel, has begun a grassroots ministry out of my dorm of simply connecting with out-of-norm students. These non-mainstream students find this once-a-week hang-out time a safe place to voice concerns and relax. The truth is, I was scared to start this, but God kept ruining me with the words of His late servant, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, urging me at “spontaneous obedience.” Once I finally relented to the perfection and creativity of His will, He has blessed this non-religious ministry a hundredfold. It’s been amazing.
(Part 2 of the background…) I’ve been freaking out about what to do after college, because, well, it’s coming up quickly and I still have no idea. Had a “chat” with my parents over Thanksgiving concerning this. I have no money and all my expenses are becoming too much for them. I’m too overwhelmed with school to even think about getting a second job. My car is dying and the payoff is too much to sell. I have no career plan. I have no life plan (as one of my ex’s was so very kind to point out, but that’s another story…). I feel like I’m just trying to get by. I want to continue my education, but the only logical thing is to get my Masters of Arts and Teaching so I can teach…which is not really what I wanna do.
The idea? (Drum roll please…) A Traveling/Roaming/Catering Coffee company! (In my mind) it’s called the Jumpin’ Bean. Instead of you going to a coffee shop, the coffee shop comes to you, providing gourmet hot and cold coffees and hot chocolates. It’s a lot to pray about and think over, but it’s a direction, one that I’m actually excited about for once.
Well, my coffee is done, which means I must now go contend with the likes of Schlegel and Kierkegaard. Just coffee-table reading, really. Oy vey!
VII. Oh, and like my new tat?
Just kidding, Mom!
Actually, the one I want will be like this except around the bottom portion, it'll say "Soli Deo Gloria"
Comments
You are His workmanship, sweet thing! Keep dreaming coffee beans!