Keep On Stalling, April Showers

“April is the cruelest month, breeding

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
…We…went on in sunlight…
And drank coffee, and talked for an hour.”
- T.S. Eliot

This is not really dignified discussion, but it’s the truth. I’ve never really been one to stick to the whole mantra of “never let ‘em see you sweat” anyway.

I. “Everyone knows that when you sting someone, you die. You don't waste it on a squirrel!”

There’s a buzz on campus, (and I’m not talking about the giant bees that stare you down while you accidentally venture into their clearly marked territory) - it’s incessant and drones on in the minds of us who are leaving. I know I can’t get away from it, at least. Its fear and excitement, a twinge of regret with “I’m SO glad I did that!” (“memory and desire, stirring…” much?), its “God, I trust You” with “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing!” - It’s freedom and a pervading sense of loss that’s impossible to shake.

II. Brought to you by the number 4!

Four years ago, my dear friend and I took a drive through the Newnan countryside the night before the day I left for college. She had been praying that she could leave me with more than a simple parting gift; she wanted to give me a word to live by, from God. It was simply this: Live.

The truth is, I’ve never really fit anywhere. Home, high- school, church, work - anywhere, until I came here. It’s taken time to feel like I’m a part of something here, too. Before, I’d always been so afraid to simply be me, with all my quirks and strangeness showing. But here, within the safety, accountability, and freedom of Christian community, I’ve discovered just a little piece of what it’s like to experience the acceptance of God. That it truly is good to live and not just survive or exist.

I’m four years away from who I previously was, and though others may disagree, I’m utterly glad that I’m not that person anymore. Just as the angel asked Hagar when she was scuttling out of town, “Where have you come from and where are you going?” and she could only reply that she was running away, so also was I running away. I can finally say that I’m not running away anymore. But I am still running - and I hope to never give that up until I cross that finish line and see el Amado de mi alma, face-to-face, undimmed.

III. Just keep swimmin’…

So many restless thoughts have been swimming around in this fishbowl brain of mine. I can’t even begin to tell you how terrified I am about leaving this place and jumping into whatever is next on the agenda. I have this deluded view of God that thinks He’s out to make my life miserable after college. Paul talks about joining in on Christ’s sufferings, but joining in on His sufferings and simply being stagnant and miserable are two very different things.

I need to do a bit more studying on this fact. But as my dear friend reminded me the other day, what good are we when we’re miserable and languishing in purposelessness? There’s clearly a difference between suffering for Christ and being miserable. He doesn’t want us to dwell in the latter.

IV. Words are just arbitrary symbols…a receding hall of mirrors.

I am blessed. SO SO blessed. Indeed, that term seems so misused and overstated that it doesn’t mean anything anymore. Words are like that, I guess. But it’s all we have. And I truly mean SO much by it. The past four years have truly been the motley combo of the best days and worst days of my life. And though I currently owe the loan companies my spleen and first born child, coming to BPC, leaving, then coming back again has been one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life. I found more than just community here - I found family. Brother- and sister-hood was born here, and I’ve had the most ridiculous fun, most soul-searching talks, best accountability walks, and most spontaneous adventures than I could ever have asked for or imagined. Thank You, God. Thank you, friends.

V. Dante’s Inferno - If Hell is absolute zero, then God = motion!

I’m reminded of the story of the ethicist John Kavanaugh who went to Calcutta to discover what was next for his life. He spoke with Mother Teresa and asked her to pray for him. She asked him what he wanted her to pray for. “Pray that I have clarity,” he said. Her reply echoes in the hollows of my heart: “No, I will not do that. Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of. I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.”

That’s my prayer for myself and all of you who are staring down the obscure path that is our future: that we trust Him. Trusting God is risky business - it means letting go of all this fear that is so much more tangible than our oh-so active God.

IV. Speaking of Running…
When I think of trust, I think of Eric Liddell, the Olympic runner who said to his sister who was concerned with her brother winning the Olympics then not returning to be a missionary: “…when I run I feel His pleasure.” That is what I want most out of life: To feel God’s pleasure.

It sums it all up - to know that He is pleased with me, that He is leading me, and that I, for once, am following. It’s the grin of God that graces every faith-bound step, and its where I wanna be. And most likely, it’s not gonna look at all like what I, my family, my professors, the church, or anyone else has in mind. Thank God that God’s teeming with creativity!


On the same topics, see:
http://indiejanephotography.blogspot.com/2010/04/today.html
http://1eyedjak.blogspot.com/2010/04/rewind-time-cause-its-moving-to-fast.html
http://somecallmebecky.blogspot.com/2010/04/ch-ch-changin.html
http://summermissionary.blogspot.com/2010/04/need-to-believe.html