Centripetal acceleration, lend me your steadfastness and may I center around one Center.

I'm prone to wander, prone to contradict myself, yet like that yellow leash I donned proudly as a kid (dear parents, please don't leash your children), I find myself snapped back to a loving Parent who is ready to love on me but must first discipline.

I have this habit of stepping out in front of traffic when trying to cross the street. I almost died in Ireland. True story. And ever since then, I unwittingly attempt to cross streets all over the place without first pushing the little button on the crosswalk sign. Even when the giant prohibitive orange hand is up. That prohibitive hand has been up for quite sometime now. Yet, I've kept to my deathwalk and crossed anyway.

My cutthroat heart leaves blood on my hands and even more violence leftover in my heart. I smell worse than sex, booze, and shame. I know I've wandered far from home. And yet, I never imagined the grace of God to be this strong, this...sufficient. And so, as I look my demons in the eyes, I pray to the Creator of this flesh and blood to block the sweet memories- they're too heavy, they'll always keep me fettered to a freedom that was never meant to be mine.

I've been like a foolish dreamer caught in a long, foolish, foggy dream, drinking in drenches the deception that I conceived in my own heart. But I've been startled awake as I felt the glory-light evanescing, and I'm finally walking the thousand miles I put between us, this suburban prodigal son and my Father.

November has been as unkind as October, but with its bittersweet brokenness, its also kissed the wounds with grace and ushered in a strange renewed sense of fresh hope - a gentle reminder whispering "it won't always be this way." And it's true, all of this will get better in time.

I know it may sound crazy, but I love the Father's discipline. Okay, so I'm not masochistic, but gosh, when you feel so far away from Him that you're certain He's given up on you, then miraculously (He said He would!), He breaks your legs out from under you and brings you back into the fold. For once in a long time, you feel worthwhile - worth His energy and time - worth being sought after and pursued in the name of love (even though all the worth comes from the Pursuer). It means "Hey, you haven't gone too far that I can't use you. I still want you. You're still Mine. And yes, I still have great purpose for you." But oh yes, it hurts for a time, perhaps a longer time than I'd like to admit, but do you know the end result? (oh, it's good!):
A harvest of righteousness
and (my fav)
PEACE! (Heb 12:11)
And oh! how I need some peace.

("If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country..." Heb 11:15)


"Hold on to what you believe, in the light, when the darkness has robbed you of all your sight" -M&S

"When I'm silent I'm listening, not abandoning." - BH