Everything I learned about men I learned from house hunting:

Okay, so I've been looking at way too many houses this month! This is definitely tongue-in-cheek, so enjoy!

1. Location, location, location!

Just as you don't want to buy a home in a sketchy or dangerous neighborhood, you don't

want to commit your time, emotions, and heart to someone who's built their life on sand.

Where is he spiritually?

Where is he physically? Are you about to pursue a long-distance relationship? Of course

it can work if both people are committed to putting in the extra work, but just expect it

to be a bit rougher in the meantime.

2. Some compromises are necessary, others are not!

Okay, so it's got two bedrooms instead of three. It doesn't have a swing on the front

porch. Its missing a few knobs on the cabinets. But really, are those that important?

His hidden talent may not be an understated guitar player with the voice of an angel

(more like playing the spoons as he consumes the whole half-gallon of ice-cream), but

those are little things. Those termites in the siding aren't going to go away by themselves

and the fact that the entire kitchen is leaning towards the backyard is probably a bad sign.

Probably. Know when to make a compromise and know when to stand firm or flee. Is he

a spiritual leader even though his feet smell like roadkill? Does he pray for you like a

champ even though he may have forgotten your dog's birthday? Okay, then.

3. Don't expect perfection!

You can have a two-story bungalow by the sea with all the amenities but how will it

withstand during hurricane season?

4. Home owning is a lot of work.

It may have been love at first sight. It was everything you wanted. The sparks flew (and

no, I'm not talking about the circuit breakers!) and there was chemistry immediately. You

talked for hours about everything you had in common – all your dreams to take on the

world – together. But lately, you've noticed that when it rains, the gutters leak. The ice

machine doesn't make ice anymore. There are cracks in the sidewalk. There's no calling the landlord – you are the landlord and it is your responsibility to put in some work at times in order to enjoy the other times.

5. Curb appeal is good, but it's not everything

So what if he doesn't work out three times a day and have an uncanny resemblance to

Ryan Reynolds? Does he make you more like Christ? Is he your best friend?

Is it everything you want inside but need a few hedges trimmed on the outside, a new mailbox put in, and a patio set replaced outside?

6. Do your homework

Check the closets, the wiring, the basement, and the foundation. I was in an adorable

old home last week. It had everything I wanted at a great price. Then I went into the

basement. The foundation was cracked, there was water damage everywhere, and it still

had those crazy circuit breakers from the 1950's. It wasn't safe, nor was it a good

investment. The mildew would've made me sick within a day and the possibility of it

catching fire was present.

7. Your real estate agent is your best friend!
   You need a guide. You need someone who knows you and knows the market. You need to be in constant communication with this Guide so that when a “house” comes on the market, He can tell you whether you should invest your time in making an offer and do more research, or leave that “house” for someone else. Kapeesh?
   
   
8. Don't buy a fixer-upper.

You're single. You don't own a piece of power equipment. What in the world crossed

your mind when you signed a 15 year mortgage for a shack? You do realize that's rat

poo, right? And those vultures aren't sitting on your roof, they're nesting in it. Really? I

didn't know you knew how to tile, but that's the least of your concerns because the sub-

flooring is rotted through. Why yes, that is black mold moving up the kitchen wall as we

speak.

You're not going to save him. You're not going to stop his drinking problem or porn

addiction. You're not going to stop him from cheating again. Get out now.

9. Know your budget and don't exceed it.

Is he spiritually bankrupt and thus going to make you spiritually bankrupt?

All this to say, make sure it's worth it when you put down an offer, sign that contract, and fork over thousands of dollars. 

Chou!