“Though none go with me, I still will follow…no turning back, no turning back…”
So much of my life has been clouded by the fear of going alone. As thoughts of my immediate future after graduation continue to surface like vomitous waves after a midnight binge of Taco Bell, I’m left only with Word documents of vague ideas and less than ambitious ambitions. I’m excited about life after graduation, as long as I’m not doing life alone.
Part of me is overanxious that He’s gonna call me to some obscure place for years of service away from my family, friends, and any source of comfort but Himself. I can’t say that I have the particular call to go to another country for an extended amount of time. But I can’t say that I don’t have that call either (I mean, Matthew 28:19-20 was kinda directed towards me too). When I was in Africa, I confessed to God that I couldn’t do anything like missions work by myself. “I cannot go alone,” I told Him time and again. “Let me at least have a close friend or significant other to go with.” He would always answer, “Court, don’t worry about that; you’ve got a purpose here today, these weeks. Besides, I’m not calling you to that now.” It was always the now part that made me uneasy.
And then I realized that I was putting stipulations on my service, loyalty, and love to God. In chapel yesterday, I found it easy to sing the first few verses of “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus” until we got to the verse “though none go with me, I still will follow…” because I can’t say for certain that I would. It would be really easy to sit here and say that I made the cognitive decision that I’ll go no matter what and do whatever it is He wants me to do, but I know my nature…I know I’m weak.
The problem is this: if I can’t follow Christ at this one point…if I can’t follow Him through my fear of the unknown and alone, then I can’t follow Him at all. If my loyalty and faithfulness goes only as far as my friends or family (or future friends and family), then it’s not loyalty and faithfulness at all.
Regardless, the months will soon turn into weeks which will quickly dissolve into days, and I will be left with a piece of paper to mark the past four years of my life. I’m not intending to harp on the past or wish I wasn’t coming to this peculiar place and juxtaposition of excited fear and hesitant abandon. It’s the unknown, though. The choice now is either to fully embrace the One whom I claim to follow or turn back to my former ways of doubt and faithlessness.
There’s no middle ground.
Thy will be done.
Soli Deo Gloria.
Part of me is overanxious that He’s gonna call me to some obscure place for years of service away from my family, friends, and any source of comfort but Himself. I can’t say that I have the particular call to go to another country for an extended amount of time. But I can’t say that I don’t have that call either (I mean, Matthew 28:19-20 was kinda directed towards me too). When I was in Africa, I confessed to God that I couldn’t do anything like missions work by myself. “I cannot go alone,” I told Him time and again. “Let me at least have a close friend or significant other to go with.” He would always answer, “Court, don’t worry about that; you’ve got a purpose here today, these weeks. Besides, I’m not calling you to that now.” It was always the now part that made me uneasy.
And then I realized that I was putting stipulations on my service, loyalty, and love to God. In chapel yesterday, I found it easy to sing the first few verses of “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus” until we got to the verse “though none go with me, I still will follow…” because I can’t say for certain that I would. It would be really easy to sit here and say that I made the cognitive decision that I’ll go no matter what and do whatever it is He wants me to do, but I know my nature…I know I’m weak.
The problem is this: if I can’t follow Christ at this one point…if I can’t follow Him through my fear of the unknown and alone, then I can’t follow Him at all. If my loyalty and faithfulness goes only as far as my friends or family (or future friends and family), then it’s not loyalty and faithfulness at all.
Regardless, the months will soon turn into weeks which will quickly dissolve into days, and I will be left with a piece of paper to mark the past four years of my life. I’m not intending to harp on the past or wish I wasn’t coming to this peculiar place and juxtaposition of excited fear and hesitant abandon. It’s the unknown, though. The choice now is either to fully embrace the One whom I claim to follow or turn back to my former ways of doubt and faithlessness.
There’s no middle ground.
Thy will be done.
Soli Deo Gloria.
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