1013

I'm desperately thankful for supervision and for a therapist who understands when I've identified just a little too much with a client. I wrote this on my first day at my internship site. Nothing like diving into the deep in on the first day, right? Ah well, you either sink or swim...

I hope this brings just a hint of awareness to an area of mental illness that is so often misunderstood, misinterpreted, misdiagnosed, and swept under the rug, perhaps seen as a first world problem. In truth, depression is like a cancer of the soul and forges blockages between the person and life. Believe me, I've been there. 

Dear First 1013* Client:

Oh, I “get” the darkness! I “get” the passionate expense of emotion that feels all that’s wrong with the world. I “get” the depths of sorrow begging to be dove into. I “get” the brokenness that aches for more brokenness – the brokenness that longs to be silenced with a quenching darkness. I get it. Really, I do. I don’t have to have walked in your shoes to have tread through the same marshy swamp full of pitfalls that disable with despair. Believe me, I’ve wondered what it’s like to just let myself succumb to the drowning. It would only take a quick decision and a few minutes, if I’m lucky, to cross the threshold.

It does get better.

At least, most days are better.

And the ones that are reminiscent of old times have purpose, if only to hold the light out for someone else.

Why do you think I’m in mental health, after all?

What I’ve learned is that I have to face it, daily. Some dragons are meant to be slain and retired to history books to eventually become good stories to tell future generations. Others can be tamed, named, saddled, and ridden into another battle! But there are some that you just have to live knowing that you’re going to have to face them day after day after day. Some days, you will lose your battle. Some days, you will be gloriously victorious.  It can be exhausting, I know. Just don’t give up fighting.

There have been days so dark that the only hope I had was the memory of hope. Hold onto that.

Let the waves come (they will). Ride them out. Get good at surfing.

Take your meds. They help. (and when they don’t help, tell your doctor; don’t just stop taking them; don’t just self-medicate).

Admit you need help, at the risk of your pride, embarrassment, or ridicule. It’s so much better to live in honesty. It’s truly the first step in learning to love yourself.

(And be patient with those who don't understand or those well-meaning ignorants who "lighten up", "cheer up", or "it's just life, sweetie" -the-mess-outta-you)

If you don’t have a support group, seek it out (I know it’s hard).

Try church. 
Try family. 
Try counseling. 
Try support groups. 
Try volunteering.                     
Try a class at the gym. 
Try the dog park.Really try even though you’re exhausted and think it’s pointless. Even if it hasn’t worked before. Even though everything is against you. 
Try like your life depends on it, because it does.

You have to fight like hell to be well. 

Hold onto the promise: there is always hope.Always.Even at the end of all things.If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

Don’t shortchange yourself out of a good life. You deserve a good life – the best life. I know you don’t believe me, but you do.Cause I do, too. 

With love and a little more than empathy, 

         A Fellow Survivor

*1013 is the code for involuntary hospitalization due to a threat of self-or-other harm